Future PsyD's Blog

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Books….

I have been asked several times this week about writing a book, I think that I am going to seriously consider it!! There are tons of experiences that I have learned from and would love to share with the world…from travels to raising a baby genius to goal accomplishment. I guess the question becomes who would read it….

RVL Future PsyD

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September 5, 2010 Posted by | post | Leave a comment

Anger…

I feel my heart race, my body get so hot that I can feel heat radiating off of me, I become almost obsessed with the thought of whatever is bothering me, I can’t focus, and when I get to the point of not return, I blackout and often don’t remember what I have said or done….that is ANGER

April 4, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Artist…..

It just amazes me that I have the ability to create wonderful things that I love and enjoy and it is even more fascinating that other people can enjoy something I created as well. When I was younger my mother had an appreciation for photography and she would capture pieces of her life and mine and share them with others that she loved. My aunt took a picture of my mother taking a picture of me……That love for pictures and photographs have been awaken in me….I have been reminded that on film you grab pieces of a persons existence and inner being….its very different from a painting and even a sculpture. I even love being on the other side of the camera lens too, for me its just as empowering! Is that vanity or is that the left side of my brain working at its full potential? Well, I don’t think its vanity because I get just as much enjoyment out of seeing a piece of abstract painting that I create…..My father has always had a love for working with his hands. He use to take off the summer from his regular job and paint houses for the summer…I never understood why until this year. It wasn’t just about the money, painting is a very methodical and intentional act. There are a certain amount of patience that is required in order to be able to paint. You can’t just throw paint up on canvas and call it art….wait….I guess there are some people that do that. But my point is that even each splash of paint that can be thrown on canvas each is usually done in a strategically planned manner. Now I am wondering if the artist in me is vain…it isn’t satisfied with one aspect of art it just wants to create and be creative no matter the media….

April 4, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Discovering the I in me…..

I feel like for the first time I am seeing my life with my eyes open. I am no longer zooming through life at light speed, I am taking time to enjoy and experience me. I see all the mistakes and all the problems that I have created and all the problems that I have allowed people to dump of me. I was told once that from every relationship that you have you take on a little piece of them, well if that is the case in 31 years of life I have a lot of other people’s BS stuck to my core…Its time for me to start shedding!!! I don’t want to be anything like any of the people who I was in relationships with. I want more for myself, yeah a few had some good qualities but most didn’t. I want to be the best me I can be, not just for me but for my daughter, for my family, for my mate and for everyone else that encounters my name or hears my name…..

What is it in people who remind them who they are? For me it was another person.  She saw the good in my soul and not the superficial person that I allowed her to see.  She forced me to look and think outside of my regular self because she had already been through a transformation of sorts, the shmoo that I was looking for she had.  And after on raw act of purity and kindness I unraveled like an onion.  I started to realize that all this time I thought I was fooling myself into believing that I was normal and that what i was going through was normal, but it wasnt.  I a became a parent, took care of a parent, loss that parent, got married, and got divorce all within 5 years.  One of those events in traumatic.  instead of realizing what is going on and taking some time to really think and focus and regroup, I kept going…on to the next…on to the next.  there were definitely meltdowns in between but there was never a shut down and sit in silence moment….I am at that point now, I am able to be quiet and so still that i can truly understand my surroundings.

January 20, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Eating at the table with children…….

My mother use to get so aggravated when I would smack or chew with my mouth open…I totally understand why now that I have a child of my own. When I watch other people’s children the smacking is much more noticeable probably because I have tried my best to remind my daughter how disgusting smacking or chewing with her mouth open is. Therefore even she is more aware of when other people smack…So why do people smack? It doesn’t make the food taste any better, it doesn’t even get digested any quicker…so why do people smack? And why don’t parent teach their children not to smack…

January 20, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Random Revelations….

Why is it that we look for acceptance from other people? Are we that uncomfortable with our own lives and within our own skin that we need others to confirm our being? 

The older I get the more and more I realize that from an early age human are taught or they learn to seek the acceptance of the peers and the people who they love and respect.  That need for acceptance can often transfer on people that really mean you no good at all. 

How can you be honest with another person if you can’t or don’t know how to be honest with yourself?

 I feel like I am able to be totally honest with myself about how I feel.  I have masked my true feeling under the ‘It’s ok’ or the ‘I’m just fine’ rug’…But it is not ok and I am NOT fine…I am sad that I can’t pick up the phone and call my mother, I am angry that I can’t send my daughter over there to get a break, I am hurt that most of my long time friends are having such a problem growing up, I am hurt that people don’t have pure motives, I am totally disappointed in myself for marrying a man who only used me, I am angry that it has taken me 31 years to realize that I have dumped my bad relationship experiences on someone else…………………………..WHEW!!!!!

I can finally breath…I am living and learning and growing and I am ok with that.

January 19, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Prisoner of my thoughts…

I didn’t blog at all yesterday …and if your not wondering why I am glad to tell you why…It seems that over the past two-days I have realized that I am a prisoner to my own thoughts.  I don’t think it just started two days ago, I am sure it started many years ago.  I wold ‘prepare’ for a big even or situation that I was going through by playing all the possibilities in my head.

Now as an adult, I am in constant thought and reflection about my world and how the universe plans to put it together, I know that might sound weird but its true.  I think I am hitting a turning point in my life where I can finally see what my purpose and or goal of life should be.  I know that I was meant to be a mother because I am, I know that I needed my mother to die in order for me to live MY life because she died, I know I needed to learn that there isn’t a manual for life because I am learning that as I type…but other thoughts that are trapped don’t seem to allow me to make decisions I feel like I am living my life with a constant question mark in my mind.  I believe that is why I am so drawn to psychology.  It gives me a since of understanding of something that I can never seem to get away from…my thoughts and feelings.  It’s as if I spend more time talking myself out of the good decision instead of knowing that the decision I am making is the best for me.

Sometimes I wonder if I could ever turn off the paragraphs that run through my head….

Before my mother died she use to come up with these elaborate plots that she thought people had to harm and kill her, she thought she was being given to much medicine or not enough medicine and she would tell me that sometimes she felt like she was a prisoner in her own body, if she wanted to do something as simple as swat a fly from her ear she couldn’t do it without someone else.  My mother had ALS or Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), often called “Lou Gehrig’s Disease”.  I watched my mother changed into someone I didn’t recognize.  I didn’t know what to say to fix it, I didn’t know how to easy her anxiety about death or dying, I didn’t even have a band-aid for the situation…I wonder if I waiver so much about major decisions because apart of my mind died with her?

January 14, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Love…

I am so in love…I realized today that real true love is all about loving the person enough to know that it is ok for them to know more than you, to be smarter than you, to be able to be vulnerable right in-front of them and for them to have a genuine desire for you to succeed…All the fears that I have been afraid to face, seem like small foothills because I know that when I close my eye and drift off to dream land there is someone who is meeting me there.
 
 I have gotten to know my cousin better over the last year, and through the development of our relationship he  introduced me to a young woman who was emotionally and mentally broken and abused when I meet her, she was timid and shy and over the last year I have watched her grow into her womanhood.  I take credit for showing her that she has every reason to live and love her life no matter how imperfect it might be, and in return she has shown me that it is ok to love someone without constraints or rules, she has shown me that if you really love someone one you can’t make sense of the feelings that you have or the relationship that you have with them….you just love and it’s just that simple….I feel like I have waited all my life to learn that lesson.
 
Often times people try to prove and explain the way that they feel with words and to me love can’t be explained, its something so much more than simple words can explain…I was once told a story about a duck.  My friend Ryan had this pet goose that was given to him by his grandfather.  He loved his grandfather very much thus he loved the goose as well.  He use to run after the goose and grab it by the neck and walk it around by the neck and eventually the neck of the goose snapped.  For some reason that story has stuck with me since I was 17, not because the neck of the goose was broken but because of the loved that he had for the goose.  I realized that I clung onto people inside of relationships so tight that the neck of my relationship snapped…I am learning everyday that relationships just like geese need room to breath…seems kind of ironic..

January 12, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Wonder….

I am the single parent of one extremely bright little girl who often times can be a handful but I have found that with lots of consistency and discipline there are very few behavioral problems that I can’t adjust. I of ten wonder what my mother would say or what she would think of my daughter….I wonder if she would be proud, I wonder if she would be that active grandmother that I wish my daughter had, I wonder is my mother would spoil her and shower her with love and attention…I am sure I already know the answer…YES!!! My mother was so excited when I told her that I was going to be a mother and at her birth she cried…My mother had a tendency to do that, she was a big old cry baby…I couldn’t figure out why she was crying so hard, now I know…I have found so many old pictures of myself as a child since my mother’s death that look exactly like my daughter…So I am sure for her it was a chance to see and experience me, her first-born all over again.

January 12, 2010 Posted by | post | Leave a comment

Mid-West Mentality….

I am in constant awe of how people have what has been refer to as the mid-west mentality…People often compromise their values and ethics to try to get ahead, when in the long run they don’t do anything but look opportunistic.  I try my best to be  proud of who and proud of the decisions I make, I never want to look back on my life with regret-filled eyes…I want to leave a legacy for my children and my children’s children that is so much more than what the world can see.  Many people who knew my mother often say, I see Barbara in you…that to me is the biggest complement that I could ever receive because she was a great woman as well as an idol and mentor to many.  So when I experience the mid-west mentality I’m often reminded that there aren’t many people who can appreciate life and all the different options of life that are possible.

I pride myself on having traveled and lived life from every different extreme.  I have been to impoverished place on this earth and lived life in fluff and fullness…but is that really living? Isnt living about the things that aren’t tangible? Do humans really need physical stuff or is it something we just think we need?

January 11, 2010 Posted by | post | Leave a comment